Yeah, I know. Cliche. Corny. Pathetic. As Emma Stone said in Easy A, "Who am I? What does it all mean? Bleh..." It seems dumb but I swear. Hear me out.
Long story short: my last relationship was a serious six-year escapade with my high school sweetheart. We had dreams but they didn't come true. #thanksalotfairytales He wasn't my "Mr. Right"and I definitely wasn't his "Mrs. Whatever." After about two years of uncertainty ("I'm not sure what I want but I don't think it's you... but let's not break up because it could be you."), we finally agreed to set each other free so we could truly find happiness. #cuehappycrieshere
After we broke up, I honestly was super upset. Six years was #literally (well almost) a quarter of my life. We moved on in different ways. I'm still single and he's married with a baby.
I tried finding happiness is lust which did not work. I tried finding happiness in "like" but I found I was too quick to say goodbye. Text me too many times? Bye Felipe. Say the wrong thing on a date? See ya. Make me feel like you're in control? #boybye
The truth is when I left that six-year relationship I had #literallynoidea who I was. I had become someone who was simply trying to save something that was already gone. (Is that a lyric from a song? If not, it should be.) I lived to try and make him happy but now I realize that wasn't possible. Our puzzle pieces did not match up no matter how hard we tried. So once we were on our own, I tried to figure that out through new friends, new love and new opportunities but I found that to be a lonely life.
So, over the past two and a half years, I simply worked on me. I dated here and there, would get excited to feel wanted again and then write them off just as quickly as they showed up. (Side note: if you are reading this and I hurt you over the last two and half years, I want to sincerely apologize. I didn't know what I wanted and I shouldn't have put you through it.)
About three months ago, Sam Smith (#lovehim) released his new song, "Too Good at Goodbyes." The first time I heard it I felt understood. #yasssss I felt like I wasn't alone in the way I was feeling. I binged the song and actually listened to the lyrics.
"I'm never gonna let you close to me even though you mean the most to be, because every time I open up it hurts. I'm never gonna get too close to you even when I mean the most to you, in case you go and leave me in the dirt."
"Every time you hurt me the less that I cry."
"Every time you leave me the quicker these tears dry."
"Every time you walk out the less I love you."
"We don't stand a chance; it's sad but it's true. I'm way too good at goodbyes."
I had an epiphany last month: I will never find love if I don't let this go. So, after I stopped #uglycrying like #KimK, I picked myself up and did what I always do when I'm down: dance.
Shout out to my #bestfriend Randi for being my videographer for this piece and a big thanks to Sam Smith for this heartfelt song. #toogoodatgoodbyes
I'll keep you all updated on my adventure from #literallynoidea about love and dating to finding love again.
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